Negative Nelly

I am my own worst enemy. My negative voice will sound out above reason and anything that anyone else tells me. I can't even handle criticism well, productive or not, because it's like a verbal acknowledgement of my failures and incapablities to accomplish anything. In my eyes, I suck. If I don't like me, why would anyone else?

Heck, I thought about making a blog for...well, at least a year, if not more, before finally saying, screw it all, I'll do it anyway, and I'll make it look pretty and add pretty pictures.

And I can be like this one blog I saw that inspired me to finally make one of my own and I thought, I can write deep and/or funny things and post pictures and everyone will love it and hang off my every word and it'll be really cool and awesome and it'll bring some meaning into my life! And because this didn't happen IMMEDIATELY, I'm already thinking, wtf was I thinking? No one cares about what I have to say, and I can be pretty damn witty....while around my husband and maybe one other person, but I get to this page and my mind draws a blank. My humor disappears in a puff of negative energy and I'm left with nothing. I must be boring. But then I see that blog is written by a person with ADHD and it makes sense, and unfortunately, I'm no where near as happy and hyper and cool as them, with or without them having an actual disorder.

Anyway...where was I going with this?

Oh yea, I stop before I start. I've pretty much done this with everything in my life. I've had countless journals, never actually followed through with them, then I got a Livejournal and holy cow I've had that thing for nearly 8 years! I think about giving up on it from time to time but it's the only "project" I haven't rapidly abandoned. So I have trouble seeing this blog having a long shelf life. I've been trying to think of ways to make it cool and interesting and I was thinking COOKIES! I LOVE COOKIES! I could experiment with different kinds of cookies and post about it here and post pictures and it'll be cool and everyone will love it! ....

Not original, it's been done before...

I'll never have the energy or time...

I won't come up with anything good...

The price of ingredients will slowly eat me alive...

Yea, it was a stupid idea anyway. What was I thinking?

Maybe this is why I don't have a career. I wanted to be a doctor...then a zoologist, an interior designer, a baker, a photographer, sell real estate....

For every idea I had in my life for my life I found every reason not to do it, not to try or to give up trying. I absolutely do not believe in myself. I could probably blame this on a combination of my mom, my grandma and my so called friends growing up. Everyone in my childhood conspiring to turn me into an adult who feels worthless because I was never given a reason to believe I was worth something. I didn't talk or hold conversations, I rambled. Hey, don't listen to her, she's just rambling, shut up, you're interrupting my TV shows. I honestly stopped talking for a good part of my childhood. Not completely, but I rarely said anything. And feel like my voice suffered from it. It's not very strong, but I'm veering off track. The point is, by the time I was 12 I had lost all self confidence. I was nothing but a bother and annoyance to my family, and I had no friends in school, and even the people I hung out with would leave me like I wasn't even there when someone more important and cool showed up. And with no one telling me anything GOOD about me, I grew up believing all the bad. My family didn't just not compliment me or build up my self esteem as a child, but they would dash down my dreams. You can't be a ballerina, you're too big, the boys wouldn't be able to pick you up. (mind you, I was NOT a fat child, I was perfectly average, always solid, but certainly never ever fat) And they would half ass any interest I showed. I was given tap shoes when I was interested in tap since I was obviously too obese for ballet...but that's all I was given. Tap shoes that were too big for me. No guidance, music, lessons, anything. And then it was my fault for not pursuing it. PS, I was maybe 6 years old. I wasn't a genius, I had no raw talent for anything, and getting a pair of shoes didn't turn me into the next Ginger Roberts so obviously I was no good. It's like my whole life set me up to be a quitter.

I'm stubborn as hell, but when the going gets tough, I cry and throw a tantrum and give up in a very melodramatic sort of way.

I had no idea what to do with my life, college was depressing. I had no support and no direction. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't even know who or how to turn to the people that were supposed to help me through it. I was so miserable, I wanted out. And through a series of events, I stopped going. Getting your car stolen is a good way to miss a couple weeks of classes, by then I just said Fckitall and never went back. Not that it mattered, parenthood was dropped in my lap and in a hectic series of events I ended up moving back home with my mom who liked to remind me every chance she could that I had screwed up my life, and how stupid I was for that. She refused to pay for my college education and the only job I had managed to find had me working a whole 6 hours A WEEK, in two shifts. Not exactly enough to stay in school in Los Angeles, huh? So Jobless, Carless, Moneyless....I became a parent, and struggled my way to where I am now. I have been homeless thousands of miles from home, I have lived in conditions that no living thing should have to live in, and I did it all with my infant son. And look at me now. I have come so far....yet I feel I am right back where I started, directionless.

The only thing I know for sure is that I want to be a good mother. I want to give my children everything I was deprived of, I want them to grow up strong and intelligent and KNOW that they are strong and intelligent so nothing can stop them. They are my driving force, they are my everything. I know there are those who look down on stay at home moms, and I have felt the shame of meeting old high school classmates and only having my kids to show off, no fancy house or car or job, what have I been doing with these past 8 years? Having kids, changing diapers, breastfeeding, cleaning up snot. Oh, you bought a house and had a big wedding....*ENVY*....cool. But, for the most part, I don't care. For once in my life I am slowly, hopefully accomplishing the goal I set for myself over 7 years ago when I found out I was pregnant.

I still wish I could figure out what else I want to do with my life, what will make me feel accomplished and give me a sense of self worth, but I'm a Negative Nelly and I can't get past that feeling that whatever I could offer the world, the world ain't buyin'.